*This is adapted from a series of emails to Life Group (small group) leaders as we read Cloud and Townsend’s Making Small Groups Work together.
I cannot think of a subject that makes me much more uncomfortable than confrontation. I do not like being face-to-face with someone in conflict. But we do not have an option, as life group leaders or ministry leaders, to be conflict-avoidant (Prov. 27:5–6).
I was given some good advice recently: never think of conflict as people being against me; think of it as giving me information—or something like that. In our groups, we are going to run into moments where people need to be corrected (2 Tim. 3:16–17). People will be wrong about something, or doing something potentially destructive to the group, and we have to talk to them about it and say, “Hey, we love you. This is not okay. We need to be different. Let’s talk about how to be different” (Eph. 4:15).
As Cloud and Townsend say, “A good group gives love and support while simultaneously being clear about issues that must be confronted” (101).
The reality is, as leaders, we’re going to find ourselves a bit alone in these moments because, as they say:
“Most people don’t come into a group with a healthy idea of how [confrontation] should work. The second family helps model [confrontation] and provides members with a real-life template” (101).
Life groups may be the first place people are ever confronted and corrected in a way that is full of both love and grace (Heb. 10:24–25). Some people have never experienced that. So when we model it, it’s going to create confusion. People may wonder if they’re okay. We’re going to have to reassure them that they are—while still helping them move forward (Rom. 15:1–2).
Or, as Cloud and Townsend put it, we’re going to have to “normalize and expect confrontation and truth” (102). “In a good group, members learn, session by session, that confrontation is not the catastrophic event they have feared or even truly experienced” (102).
But we do have to be careful. I constantly think of Galatians 6:1: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore them gently, but keep watching yourself lest you too be tempted.”
Cloud and Townsend summarize this well: “Members are not harsh or condemning [in confrontation] because they know how much grace they themselves need” (103; Matt. 7:3–5). At the same time, “the group is direct and not ambiguous about the concern” (103; Titus 1:13).
I do not pretend this is easy, and I’m not going to give a ton of guidance here in a short reflection. But I do think we should start by acknowledging this: confrontation is healthy and should be part of a healthy Christian community (Col. 3:16).
It should never be harsh (2 Tim. 2:24–25). It should always be gentle. It should never be mean (Eph. 4:29).
But it must be there.
Where it’s not—at least sometimes, and recognizing that different contexts and situations will shape how often it happens—if you can’t remember ever needing to have confrontation, you either have a perfect group… or a group that isn’t growing (Prov. 29:1).
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