This has been an interesting chapter* for me to think through, because I know that a lot of our Life Groups at Calvary are pretty homogeneous—particularly in age and experience. So thinking about being one another’s mentors probably isn’t the first thing that comes to mind. Our groups are mostly made up of peers, as opposed to what the Westminster Confession would call “superiors” and “inferiors,” much to our culture’s chagrin.
But I find it interesting how John Townsend talks about being in a small group that met for many years. While there was clearly a mix—people who had been married a long time and newlyweds who came and went—there also had to be a strong peer dynamic among many of them.
So when he talks about mentoring, he’s not necessarily talking about your manager one rung up the ladder at work, or a campus minister discipling a student. He’s talking about something peers do for one another.
And that’s important for us.
When the Bible calls us to “grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ” (Ephesians 4:15–16), it’s not describing a solo project. It says the whole body, “joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped… makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.”
Growth happens through connection.
It really comes down to this: as we fully and honestly bring our lives into our Life Groups, we are able to receive real feedback and insight from one another.
Now let me say clearly: I don’t ever want our Life Groups to become advice groups. I don’t want them to become “air your dirty laundry and then we’ll tell you how to handle it” groups.
But on the flip side, if we never speak into one another’s lives—if we never help one another take steps forward—then we’re not really helping one another grow.
I’m not asking us to become fixers. But I am asking us to consider whether we are ever intentionally helping one another take concrete steps toward growth.
There is tremendous value in just listening. Sometimes we simply need a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes we don’t need anyone to tell us what to do. And as Presbyterians—PCA people—we might even be prone, in some contexts, to default toward telling people what to do. At Calvary, we may even have a healthy resistance to that.
That’s not a bad instinct.
But Scripture also says, “Exhort one another every day… that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin” (Hebrews 3:13). It tells us, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness… Bear one another’s burdens” (Galatians 6:1–2).
That’s not fixing. That’s loving.
So let me gently ask: Does your Life Group ever help one another move through real struggles? Does your group ever enter in with a member or a couple and help them toward personal growth in a particular area?
As important as listening is—and believe me, in my Life Group we do a lot of listening and not offering advice, because that is often the right default—are there moments when we can say, “Can we talk about this together and help you move forward?”
There’s another benefit when our groups are healthy and comfortable enough to do this. As Cloud and Townsend write:
“When a group deals with someone’s issue or concern, it will also ask for context: how she got into her situation; past patterns; others’ influence; weaknesses and strengths she brings to the problem. So the more the whole person is involved, the better the resolution of the issue. In turn, the member is more fully known by the group. This translates into a deeper relationship and more connection. Now the group is better able to assist that person in other areas of life because of what has happened up to the present” (p. 92).
In other words, when we step into one another’s lives carefully and prayerfully, we don’t just solve a problem—we deepen relationship. We become more fully known. And that deeper connection makes future growth possible.
If our groups ever become less homogeneous, there may be more of what we traditionally think of as “classical mentoring.” But until then, mentoring in our context may simply look like peers helping one another grow up in Christ.
Cloud and Townsend put it this way: “When groups mentor their members, they do their part to help one another become an adult in all the ways in which we are to grow up” (p. 93).
That’s a beautiful picture.
Jesus grows us by His Spirit. But He very often does that through one another.
Sanctification is personal—but it is not private.
We need Jesus. We need the Holy Spirit. And we need one another.
*This post is adapted from a series of emails to our Life Group leaders as we read Making Small Groups Work by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
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