Small groups don’t run on good vibes alone. Whether you’re leading a group or simply participating in one, part of what makes a group healthy is shared responsibility for how we use our time and care for one another. Life Group leaders (at Calvary—and small group leaders everywhere) are called to provide loving structure: protect the group’s time and process with grace, clarity, and courage—so real growth can happen for everyone, and everyone needs to help support them!
Cloud and Townsend end this chapter by quoting Proverbs 15:32:
“He who ignores discipline despises himself,but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.”
(In the ESV: “Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.”)
Discipline in a small group setting is an awkward thing to talk about. To be clear, we’re not talking about Matthew 18 church discipline—this isn’t about addressing serious, unrepentant sin. In this context, discipline has more to do with something much more ordinary and much more common: making sure the group can function because time and process are being honored.
Time is very cultural. I have a lot of Hispanic friends and have spent some time in Latin America, and they perceive time very differently than many of us do. So everything I’m saying here is qualified by that reality. Your group may already have a shared cultural understanding of time, and that’s okay. But whether you’re leading a group or participating in one, real leadership decisions still have to be made about what we’re going to do with the time we’ve been given and how we’re going to handle disruptions to it.
At the end of the day, one of the main purposes of a small group—and one of the main responsibilities of those who lead them—is to facilitate process by providing discipline and structure. That’s not just about asking good questions or picking curriculum (though those things matter); it’s about actually helping the group stay on task and keep moving forward during the time you have together.
This has to be done with grace. Everyone needs to feel loved, listened to, and cared for—and at the same time, sometimes a problem person needs to be addressed. (I’m sure everyone wants to be called a “problem person,” but by that I don’t mean a bad person—I mean a repeated pattern that makes it hard for the group to function.) Correcting a problem person in a way that helps them grow, without alienating everyone else or making people afraid to mess up because they might get corrected too, is difficult.
Whew. There’s some character growth required here.
We have to pay attention to how our tone comes across. We have to think about how our words land. We have to be ready to reassure people of love while also being firm. And sometimes we’re going to have to walk with people through some very awkward moments.
But this is exactly what Cloud and Townsend are getting at when they say:
“Though the group is based on a foundation of grace and acceptance, it also requires order and responsibility through clear expectations about members’ attendance, involvement, and participation… Good groups use discipline and structure to protect the time, the process, and the members. From disruption… it is about helping the group function as it should” (74).
So when it comes to discipline and structure in our groups, I want to encourage all of us—leaders and members alike—with three simple words:
Be intentional. Be gentle. Be direct.
These aren’t just leadership virtues; they’re group virtues. This is how life together works when it gets complicated.
Be Intentional
Decide ahead of time—ideally together—what is and is not acceptable, and then actually follow through on it.
Cloud and Townsend give some helpful examples. They may feel awkward or unfamiliar if you’re not used to this kind of clarity. And if expectations aren’t agreed upon ahead of time, enforcing them later can feel unfair or overly sharp.
But when expectations are clear, no one is surprised.
If someone reacts irrationally or immaturely to consequences they already agreed to, that’s not something leaders—or the group—need to carry. Enforcing agreed-upon boundaries kindly but consistently is part of how groups care for one another.
Be Gentle
Be gentle. Be kind. Never be mean. Never be harsh.
Start with questions whenever possible. Try to understand. Try to reaffirm love. Give second chances. Give grace. Give third chances.
But then…
Be Direct
Say what is true.
Sometimes that means saying something like:
“Hey, we agreed that this isn’t going to work this way. We love you. We want you to be part of this group. But the group can’t function if this keeps happening.”
Those are hard things to say.
But if leaders don’t actually lead—and if groups don’t support that leadership—it becomes very difficult for a group to move forward in the ways it hopes to.
I love the way Cloud and Townsend frame discipline as staying connected, not breaking connection:
“Talk about discipline and structure to each other so that the connections are kept alive” (76).
Be brave. Be gentle. Be direct. And provide—or support—the discipline and structure that are necessary for a group to thrive in the process of spiritual growth.
A Final Add-On (Not from Cloud and Townsend)
As I reread this reflection, I realized I used a lot of “be” language.
Be intentional. Be gentle. Be direct.
And that raises a real question: How do you actually grow that kind of character?
You don’t—at least, not by yourself.
This is where leaders reach out to other leaders and say, “This is what’s going on in my group, and I’m struggling. Would you pray for me? Would you help me think this through?”
And this is also where groups talk together and say, “Hey, this is happening. We want to love one another well, but this is hard. How can we help each other?”
Ultimately, this is where we look at how Jesus deals with people.
Look at how Jesus dealt with the Sons of Thunder when they wanted to bring down fire.Look at how Jesus treated Peter after his betrayal.Look at how Jesus spoke to doubting Thomas.
And then remember this: we are the Sons of Thunder. We are Peter. We are Thomas.
Everywhere we struggle to be what we’re calling one another to be, we remember how Jesus is toward us when we behave the same way. Everywhere we’re struggling to “be,” we look at how Jesus already is to us.
If you’re part of a small group—leading or not—this is an invitation to help create the kind of space where grace and truth can actually do their work.
Reflection Questions
- Where does our Life Group need a little more structure right now in order to love people well and protect our time together?
(Be specific—attendance, starting/ending on time, participation, focus, or something else?) - Is there anything we’ve been avoiding addressing because it feels awkward—and how might gentle, direct leadership actually serve the whole group better?
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